Hate Me

How is it that a person can hear a song many times (88 times by the count on my iTunes) and not actually hear it? I love the band Blue October and the song Hate Me but until the other night had not actually “heard” the song. I was driving home from dinner at my brother’s house and I heard the lyrics for the very first time. They are so sad and beautiful and if it is possible I love even more now.

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you ware doing. You sounded really up tight last night. It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too. I just wanted to make sure you were really OK, and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication. You know I love you, and...Take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head. They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed. Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone. Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home. There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain. An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space. Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me in ways. Yeah, ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you. I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again. In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I’ll drive so far away that I never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind. Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me in ways. Yeah ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you. And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave. Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made. And like a baby boy I never was a man. Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand. And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be. And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?” Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me in ways. Yeah ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you. For you. For you. For you.