Somebody

Somebody
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
And things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it




This is what I want. I really, truly, absolutely do want it but the hilarity or irony of it is two fold - one I actually recently had a shot at this and rejected him because he had some pretty big flaws and issues to overcome but more importantly and hilariously I don't know that I'd let someone be my Somebody. I am a version of this for a lot of people but I don't think I can let someone be it for me. I have such a hard time being vulnerable and opening up and on the rare occasions that I do I feel so awful after I share. Someday I'm going to get over my insecurities and issues and that

mustbeperfectmustnotshowflawsmustbesogoddamnamazingallthetime

 

wall that I've been clinging to my entire life. Someday maybe I can let someone love me the way I desperately desire. Until then I will continue to date men that are completely and totally unavailable and wrong for me. It's the worst defense mechanism and stupidest self-destructive trait that I have and yet I embrace it fully.

Thanksgiving Hell

The other day I was trying to set up a time to get together with a guy I met online and we were having trouble making our schedules connect - it is a lot harder than it would seem - I can't imagine how much harder if I had to deal with shuffling kids, too. I suggested Thursday night and he replied with "That's THANKSGIVING. No way!" and one more time I was reminded why I try to go out of town for this bloody holiday. Don't get me wrong I love me some time off from work and I love me even more some Thanksgiving food. It is my favoritest food of the year but the rest of the weekend can go to Hell.

Normal families spend the weekend together. Normal families play games and go to movies and have a lovely time. Here's what will happen at Casa Millet - dinner at 4 p.m. I will go over a few hours early and help my mom while the boys sit on their asses and watch football. Then we will eat, someone will cry (sure hope it isn't me), someone will get mad (let's be honest it will be me) and some kid will get grounded (also, really hope it isn't me). We will finish eating and the boys will commence sitting on their asses and watch more freaking (not the word I'm thinking right now) football while Shauna and I spend an hour cleaning up. And then I will drive home and spend the rest of the weekend alone because everyone I know is spending the weekend with their families - playing games and going to the movie and eating their faces off.

Can someone please put an event on their calendar to remind *translate: force* me to make out-of-town plans for Thanksgiving. I'd do it but I'll think "No, it's okay. It will be different..." and it won't and I'll be writing this same blog entry.

Tip That Thing Over!

I'm Not Broken - Just a Tiny Bit Bruised!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

A few weeks ago I was with my Iusedtowishhewasmyboyfriend and we were talking about relationships and stuff. We are both pretty much scared to death of commitment and of being hurt and he was telling me about a couple he knows who has been in a committed monogomous relationship for 10 years. They are not married nor do they live together but they spend most of their free time together and are completely in love. My Iusedtowishhewasmyboyfriend mentioned that they get a lot of grief from family and friends for not taking that next step. I listened intently and looked up and said, "That sounds like heaven to me". In the next few days I shared this with several people but finally had to stop because of the beatings I was taking. For instance this is just a bit of what my "friends" said to me:

Ew, I don't want that!
Why would you want that?
What is WRONG with you?
That is so messed up, Ang!

and my all time favorite:

YOU ARE SO BROKEN!

Doesn't anyone have a filter? I don't want people to lie to my face but really, "YOU ARE SO BROKEN" is mean and hurtful. I did have one response to my anecdote that didn't make me want to crawl into a hole and die and it was from the guy I was seeing at the time. He looked at me and nodded and said, "I totally understand why that appeals to you."

I'm really not broken but I am bruised and even though I realize this isn't the ideal situation for everyone and probably isn't actually the ideal situation for me it does make some sense. To me.

That's all.