Crazy, Stupid Love

A few weeks ago I was confiding in my friend Kendra and telling her about some of the stuff I've been going through lately including dealing with a broken heart and she commented like all good friends should with "What is wrong with men?" Well, let's be honest, there's a lot wrong with men but not with this particular guy. He's the perfect combination of smart (he even reads), sexy and sweet. He's even a bit snarky which is of course why I love him. He gets me like no one has gotten me in ages. He can tell when I'm truly happy, when I'm faking it and knows when all I need is a hug. "Ang, are you ok? I know you aren't. What's up?" He's also one of the easiest guys to talk to. He just doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him. I know he likes me and for the longest time I wanted him in my life so much that I tried really hard to just be friends because before I fell for him I loved him as a friend. When he asks me about other guys my whole body cringes because who wants to talk to an A-List guy about the B-List guys that do not matter? Yes, I stole that from Felicity but it is a perfect description of how I feel when we would talk about other relationships.

A couple of weeks ago I decided it would be best to keep my distance for a while so that I could get over him and stop thinking about him All The Time. Except that still 12 times a day whenever anything funny happens or someone does something insane at work I think "Oh, I can't wait to tell...."

This particular broken heart is quite a bit different from what I'm used to because I don't hate him. I don't want to stab him in the face or push him off a cliff. Not only do I not hate him but I think because of that this situation has resurrected some very bad demons that I truly believed had been exorcised from my soul. Bringing up all the old insecurities, self esteem issues and self-loathing. Oh my gosh make it stop! It might help if I stopped listening to the same six songs over and over. I'm actually quite proud of myself that I've expanded from the same two songs to six but still--can't be helping.

Peace. Peace. Peace.