Me and my BFF Mindy

I've been reading Mindy Kaling's book -- Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? It isn't a long book and if I actually sat down and read it I could do it in about 2 hours but I've been savoring and enjoying every word. It is my out-and-about book that helps uncomfortable situations be much more fun: the perfect book for the treadmill and it is also ideal for general waiting: hair salon, standing in lines, waiting for friends to arrive, etc. The first half of the book I was convinced that I could have written it. She's smart and funny. I'm smart and funny. We were both nerdy chubby girls who wanted to write for TV: her comedy, me soap opera. Oh yeah, it is true I was convinced I was going to be a soap writer when I grew up. It was my secret obsession and I spent hours and hours and weeks and months reading every single book I could get my hands on about writing in general and soap writing specifically. You'd probably be surprised how many books the BYU library actually had for me to read. I would go with Bob to work and then spend hours in the library. After the first half of the book our lives obviously go in different directions--she's a famous TV writer for a successful show and I'm not.

Last night while waiting for my friends to arrive at the theater I was reading the book and had an ephiphay thanks to the genius of Mindy. I think I know why I'm attracted to younger guys -- they are just as scared of commitment as me. Not like relationship commitment, clearly that scares the bejesus out of me but any kind of commitment. I need a new phone but I know T-Mobile will make me agree to a 2 year contract and that thought makes me perspire. I could barely sign a 6 month lease on my new place because that's too long. And I'm not planning on moving or going anywhere. I LOVE where I live but contracts scare me. I have a hard time spending serious money on shoes and hand bags because I get bored easily and if you spend $400 on a bag you gotta love it. You've got to carry that damn thing with you everywhere. Even though, me, Angie, is terrified of commitment of any form I've taken steps recently to overcome that in certain circumstances. I may be scared of the end result of meeting someone on match.com but right now step one I'm focusing on Jen taking my pictures on Saturday. The rest will happen one step at a time.

Oh, Sweet Skinny Girl!

There's very little I love more than the size zero GAP associate extolling the virtues of the wide leg dress trouser as a way to "bond with me" over my purchase. Oh sweet, skinny girl, I've been buying these pants for years and I have them in every color that you make. I know they are great. I can also guarantee that you do not in fact own a pair.

That's all.

Just a Hug

Yesterday I had a meeting with a new client who had been very difficult and when I stuck out my hand for her to shake she grabbed and hugged me and then said, "I had to hug you after going all Exorcist on you yesterday". As I was leaving the room the client laughed again about hugging me and said, "It is a good thing you aren't a hug-a-phobe". I smiled and told her it was nice to meet her. Later my colleague said, "Wow, I know you are a hug-a-phobe. That must have killed you". This reminded me of a girl trip a few months ago when we were talking about how Steph can't stand to be hugged and I started giggling ...

Steph: Why are you laughing?
Ang: Cause I used to be you.
Steph: What changed?

I used to be the kid in the sandbox who didn't like to be touched. Everyone knew. My friends. My family. That kid grew into an adult that still didn't like to be touched but who knew that there were certain circumstances and/or people that required hugs. One of my worst memories was from college when one of my friends was having a crying meltdown and I gave her a comfort hug. Then the next day I heard her telling people, "Angie hugged me. She must have been really worried about me because she doesn't like to touch people". I will probably never forget that feeling I had thinking that I was defective and broken. So, what changed? A couple of things but mostly I'm part of a group of friends that are always hugging. It never ever bothered me--not even the first time. Everyone hugs: friends, complete strangers, everyone. It became so normal that one day at Craft Sabbath I ran into a friend from the salon where I go and I and hugged her. I hugged her! And it was totally normal. Made me start thinking "normal people do this" "normal people aren't afraid to be touched". Huh. Maybe I'm morphed into more of a normal person. After all it is just a hug.

Today

Today I am grateful for friends.
Today I am grateful that I have a job.
Today I'm grateful for the blue sky.
Today I'm grateful for vanilla ice cream cones.
Today I'm grateful for certain tiny humans.
Today I'm grateful for Florence & The Machine.
Today I'm grateful for free haircuts.
Today I'm grateful for The Bachelor.
Today I'm grateful that I am an adult.
Today I'm grateful that I am healthy.
Today I'm grateful that I get to be me.
Today I'm grateful for Jon Stewart.

Today I'm grateful that Eleni had a blog entry. Sure it made me cry a little bit but it started me me thinking about all of incredibly wonderful and also somewhat silly things that I have in my life. I may have my issues and some days may be worse and/or better than others but I'm a very lucky girl with a blessed life. I get to be me!

Looking Forward Not Back

Every blogger on earth has done the same thing this week but I think it will help me have some accountability to have my thoughts and desires spelled out on the interwebs.

Before I moved and had a long commute all of my super important thinking time was done while blow drying my hair. Now during drive time each morning I have time to think about the day and get ready for what needs to be done. Tuesday morning when I arrived at work I was pumped up and perkier than I've been in ages (just ask Z). All last weekend everyone was talking about how great 2o11 was and all the awesome things that happened to them. I half heartedly agreed but then during my drive on Tuesday morning I realized that 2011 mostly sucked for me. Don't get me wrong some amazingly wonderful things happened but overall I'd like to not have a repeat of last year. Which got me thinking about the best way to make that change was to start off 2012 with a bang and to just be in a good mood. On Tuesday that worked. Wednesday for about 1/2 the day I was perky and excited and then by Thursday I bordering on tears and by Friday I was obviously upset with multiple colleagues I don't care for and someone I actually like. A Lot. I know it is so much more than just deciding to be in a good mood. There are a zillion factors that go into the moods and emotions of someone such as myself but I really truly want to be a better, happier, healthier, kinder person and I want to spend the rest of this year working towards that goal. How am I going to do that and how am I going to measure my progress? I'm not entirely sure about the last one but I know that I've discovered some secrets that truly do help:

Get lots of sleep -- this one is hard for me because there's so many other things I'd rather be doing than sleeping especially since Santa brought me an AppleTV. Not too much sleep because then I'm depressed but just enough that I feel like a human being at 5 a.m. when the alarm goes off and tells me it is time to work out.

Eat right -- this isn't just about losing weight. This is about the unfortunate self-loathing that comes when I do not eat right. I've hired a trainer / nutritionist and she's my hero. She's hilarious, motivating and super strict. She hit the nail on the head the day that I e-mailed her "HELP--I'm eating everything in sight". Within minutes she responded with, "Angie put down the food and step away. If you had one flat tire on your car would you puncture the other three?" Um...no.

Exercize -- see above. It is not about losing weight. It is about burning off all the "I Hate Everyone Stress" and helps me stay centered. Also, if I lift weights I get to have an ice cream cone. Bonus!

Blog more -- this is incredibly theraputic and helpful. Plus, I no longer work with MBHW, AJ, LRH, SK or the Bish so it's all good and I can say whatever.

Religiously devour each and every word from Eleni -- her blog has truly changed my life. She's brutal and hilarious and the honest version of me in a 30 year old Greek form. She says things I always think but have been terrified to say out loud. I worship her and when I wake up, check my E-mail and have an update from her I really do jump out of bed in anticipation of anything she has to say. Here's her link http://hope.gr/. Everyone should read her regardless of their relationship status.

Stop hating the bulk of 9 hours out of every single work day. How do I change this? Well, there's some obvious ways but for now I'd like to focus on changing some things inside myself to help me hate the rest a lot less.

Take care of me -- this is loaded. It is huge. I need to be surrounded by people who love me. Not just people who need me but people who truly care about me and think about me and want to know who the real me is. I'm really done pretending to be someone else. I want to figure out who I am and be the best version of myself. Every day in every way try to be better.

Buy local -- I tried this for Christmas this year and it was great. I would love to do 100% local but I don't believe it is possible given how much I heart Amazon.com and iTunes. I am going to do everything I can do buy local and support my neighbors.

Stop falling for unavailable and inappropriate men. Yeah more to come but I'm trying match.com this year and it is going to be awesome! I may start a private blog for stories associated with my new dating life.

Best wishes to everyone in my life. Those I know and those I don't but well wishes for a very happy 2012! We can do it!

Red?

I know I've blogged about this before but I'm truly curious -- what is it about red? I am different when wearing red. Red clothes, nails, or recently red lipstick. Is it the actual red that inspires the head turns and second glances or is it the confidence I have when wearing the red?

Thoughts?

All I Want

Apparently in a past life or in heaven or whatever you believe we all picked roles and I picked the role of caretaker. I'm fairly decent at taking care of people and I do enjoy it. I like that people need me. I love that people share things with me but sometimes like right this second all I want is for someone to take care of me. I don't even care who. I just want someone who gives a shit about me, who can actually listen to me and then wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I'm not in a bad place. I'm okay. Life is great but right now I don't want to be in charge of my life anymore.

That's all.